4 Steps Towards Saving Your Marriage

Statistics Are Not You

Over to 800,000 marriages end in divorce each year in America. Wow! That means each year divorce affects more people than living in Houston, Texas. What about the marriages that had troubles but continued?
How many marriages can we save? That is an unknown. Statistics don’t show marriages that have stayed together despite having rocky times. The figures also don’t measure the emotional pain of relationship upheaval. Statistics are stories with the tears washed off as Marian Wright Edelman wrote.
Remember that statistics just show what is happening across the whole population. They aren’t for predicting the outcomes of individual marriages.

Can you save your marriage?

Can you save your marriage? If I could answer that, I would know the future. What I can say is that if your marriage is in trouble and you do nothing, that almost guarantees a negative outcome. If you do something, there is a much better chance that you will heal and have a positive outcome.

The raw statistics don’t show who has worked on their situation and who has stayed stuck in the old ways that lead them into trouble in the first place.

Decide to make a difference in your life by doing something.

Four simple steps

• Quit the blame game.
• Take responsibility.
• Get resources from experts.
• Take action.

In these four simple steps, I can point you toward what you can do for your marriage. Start right now. But “simple” is not the same as “easy.” They are not easy steps. They do give you a path to follow if you want to change the destiny of a marriage in trouble.

Here are the 4 steps:

1) Quit the blame game.

Stop blaming your spouse and stop blaming yourself.

This is the first step because marriages get frozen in blaming. They stick in a pattern of blame that stops any prospect of progress. Any momentum gets dragged down and down by blame.

Blame is our way of avoiding seeing ourselves. We defend our sense of ourselves by pointing the finger and say “It’s their fault.” In marriage, you can turn that pointing finger on yourself and place the blame and say “it’s all my fault.”. That also doesn’t help. The emotions in a marriage are a complicated result of two people coming together with their own ways of thinking and likely carrying baggage from the past. Much of their past stuff can be issues remaining unresolved from their families of origin. Each will have thoughts and behaviors that are unhelpful for the marriage. So why spend time and energy blaming?

Blame feels good in the short-term, but long-term, it prevents any shift or change. It misses the point that the only thing we have control over is ourselves. The only thing we have the power to change is oneself.
So, even if you can make a long list of why you can blame you or your spouse, forget it. Even if that list has some truth, it will not help. Blame feeds divorces.

2) Take responsibility.

You can do something. Decide to do something. Change can begin with one person.
Taking responsibility is not the same as taking the blame (see above). Taking responsibility for what you alone have the power to change is a mature adult response to stresses in the relationship.

When you take responsibility you acknowledge there are some things you do that you can change.
For example, see what buttons you allow your spouse to push? What buttons do you push with your spouse? Decide not to allow the other person to push buttons and stop pushing the buttons yourself.

What amazes counselors is that almost everyone knows what they can be doing something to improve the situation. But it is difficult to move in that direction. It needs some uncomfortable self-inspection. Don’t be caught in your current state by not looking at yourself. Decide that you will take the first steps towards a better life.

What is the difference between blame and responsibility? Say I am in a burning building. Blame is to I can stand around trying to work out who started the fire. Also to ask why it has spread so fast, and think about who I am going to sue when it is over. Taking responsibility is to get me and everyone else I can out of that building. When a marriage is in trouble, the house is on fire. How will you take action to save the marriage?

3) Get resources from experts.

They bring their perspective and experience. Do your research on what expert resources are available. Divide the ones that don’t resonate with you from the resources that strike you as most useful. This can vary not only by the quality of the resource itself but also by what style of learning works for you and where you are in your journey. Then be sure to take advantage of what you’ve identified as useful.
Others have been helped, you can be, too.

Don’t assume that your situation is so different from every other situation. There are common threads to our experiences that mean we can learn from others. Counselors see that not too much new comes through my doors. Don’t get me wrong; the story details change, but the dynamics are the same.
Experts can be a real help in these situations.

Albert Einstein had a saying. It was  that “The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them.” This means what got you into trouble will not get you out of trouble. A whole new level of thinking is what’s needed. An outside expert, someone with a fresh perspective, can help with that.

4) Take action.

More damage comes from doing nothing than from taking a misstep.
It is easy to get paralyzed by the situation. Therapists often talk about “analysis paralysis.” This occurs when people get so caught up in their churning thoughts. There are attempts to “figure things out” but they never take action.

It is not enough to only understand what is causing the problem. You must then act! Many people hold the belief that if they can understand their problem, it will resolve itself. That does not happen. Only action can actually resolve the situation.

Can I save my marriage?

Can I save my marriage you ask? Following the four suggested steps above gives you that opportunity.
This gives you infinitely more chance of saving your marriage than if you do nothing.
You can only do your part, but many times, that is enough. Resolve not to ask the question “Can I?” but begin to act to find out what can be achieved.